Barely Breathing
by Tahiri Solo
Summary: Jaina's thoughts during Shards of Alderaan. Songfic set to Duncan Shiek. (A/N: This story is dedicated to everyone who reviewed my first fic, Reaction.)


Barely Breathing  
By Tahiri Solo  
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Disclaimer: The characters, places, and such mentioned in this are property of Lucasfilm. Not me. I own nothing. The song belongs to Duncan Sheik. (I hope I spelled that right.) I don't own that either. I am making no money off of this story. No infringement is intended. Also, if this story bears any resemblance to stories written by others, it is purely coincidental.  
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Jaina sat on top of the Great Temple, lost in thoughts of Zekk.  
  
  
I know what you're doing  
I see it all too clear  
  
  
She understood why he had left the academy - there were too many bad memories here for him. He had to find himself. She knew that.  
But that didn't make the pain of his leaving hurt any less.  
  
  
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears  
You really had me going, wishing on a star  
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far  
  
  
Jaina wanted to help him. He was her best friend; she hated seeing him in such obvious pain.  
But as much as she wanted to erase his pain and go back to the way things were, another part of her knew that his scars were much too deep for her to heal.  
  
  
I believed in your confusion  
You were so completely torn  
Well, it must have been that yesterday  
Was the day that I was born  
  
  
Jaina still felt somewhat responsible for his turning. If only she'd put the pieces together, realized that he had Jedi potential, maybe none of this ever would have happened.   
Despite her guilty feelings, she didn't really believe that he had been as evil as others thought he'd been.  
Brakiss had brainwashed him, confused him, turned him evil, but he'd still been a good person underneath. He had proven that to her all the times he could have - should   
have - killed her, and didn't.  
But even though he hadn't turned completely evil, the whole experience had still left him torn and riddled with guilt.  
  
  
There's not much to examine  
There's nothing left to hide  
You really can't be serious if you ask me why  
I say goodbye  
  
  
As she gazed up into the night sky, Jaina sighed. There was no use trying to push aside her feelings anymore.  
She would not ignore this any longer - she didn't even know if she could.   
What she felt for him was beyond friendship.  
She was in love.  
  
  
'Cause I am barely breathing  
And I can't find the air  
I don't know who I'm kidding  
Imagining you care  
  
  
Jaina began to cry. She was soon sobbing so hard she could barely catch a breath.  
Yes, she loved him, but she was almost positive that he did not feel the same way.  
To him, she was just a childish playmate, someone he used to have childish adventures with, a friend, a little sister.  
Who wants to date someone that's like their little sister?  
When they had met up in the asteroid field after being chased by Boba Fett, she'd seen him blush when she had spontaneously hugged him. But when he'd hugged her back, she had let herself imagine that this time, for once, their embrace had been more than friendship.  
But who was she trying to kid? He thought of her as a friend, nothing more.  
  
  
And I could stand her waiting  
A fool for another day  
But I don't suppose it's worth the price  
Worth the price  
The price that I would pay  
  
  
While waiting for him to come out of his coma, Jaina had automatically assumed that he would be staying at the academy, with her. Despite her worry for his physical - and metal - condition, this thought had still made her incredibly happy.   
When he'd told her he was leaving, it had wrenched her heart.  
She'd just gotten him back! It wasn't right that she had to lose him again so soon! It just wasn't fair!  
Jaina knew, when they were on that asteroid together, that she had hoped he would come back with her. She had hoped so hard she had made herself believe it.   
But now she knew that wasn't going to happen.  
Maybe it was for the best, though. She knew he didn't think of her as more than a friend, and seeing him every day and not being able to tell him how she felt would be too painful.  
But she still wanted him to come back.  
  
  
Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about  
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out  
What is this attraction?  
I only feel the pain  
  
  
She knew her friends were curious as to whether or not she had feelings for Zekk. She sensed the quiestions they wanted to ask, but restrained from saying.  
Jaina was confused herself. Things had been so much easier before, when they had just been friends, before all these crazy feelings of hers had started rising up . . . before he had fallen to the dark side.  
Why did she let herself be attracted to him, when she knew it would only cause her pain?  
  
  
There's nothing left to reason  
And only you to blame  
Will it ever change?  
'Cause I am barely breathing  
And I can't find the air  
I don't know who I'm kidding  
Imagining you care  
  
  
Jaina finally stopped trying to analyze her mixed-up feelings.  
She was in love, pure and simple. That was all the logic she needed.  
She mentally understood why Zekk had left the academy, but still, a part of Jaina was angry with him for leaving her, even though she knew that made no sense.  
She wondered if things would ever change with the,. Would he look into her eyes one day and see not a little sister or a friend, but a love?  
What if things just always stayed the same?  
That thought made Jaina start to cry again, and she hitched for breaths, trembling.  
  
  
And I could stand here waiting  
A fool for another day  
But I don't suppose it's worth the price  
Worth the price  
The price that I would pay  
But I'm thinking it over anyway  
I've come to find  
I may never know  
  
  
Jaina would never stop hoping that Zekk would love her someday, even though she feared that day would never come.  
Maybe she was foolish for doing so. She reminded herself again that having him near her and not being to let him know the truth about her feelings for him might very well tear her apart.  
Her mind tried to tell her that it wouldn't be worth it, that the pain would be too great in comparison to the gain.  
But that didn't stop her from wanting it. Her heart was telling her otherwise.  
She decided that yes, it would be better to have him with her and be miserable, than to have him away from her and still be miserable without him.   
Just as she was turning that thought over in her mind, a new one struck her.   
She would probably never get the chance to see if it would be better to have him with her or not.  
He probably never would come back.  
  
  
Your changing mind  
Is it friend or for  
I rise above  
Or sink below  
With every time  
You come and go  
Please don't come and go  
  
  
Jaina shuddered as she remembered their fight after the battle with the Shadow Academy. She could still hear the buzz of his lightsaber in her ear.   
She had been so confused then, and she knew he had been too.  
He had been supposed to kill her; he had known that. She was supposed to have been his enemy.  
But Jaina had sensed that Zekk hadn't been so sure about that. A very large part of him still saw her as a friend, not someone he wanted to hurt.   
Likewise, Jaina had also known that he was supposed to be her enemy - it was the duty of the true Jedi to fight the dark.  
But even though they had both known all this, part of them had been unable to stop thinking of the other as a friend.  
Jaina shuddered again as she thought of how she had felt when he had left the academy. It had been all she could do to keep from bursting into tears.   
She had wanted to throw her arms around him, beg him not to leave.  
Watching him board the Lightning Rod and leaving had twisted her insides. She had felt the exact same way when she had watched him leave after their brief reunion in the asteroid field.  
Jaina hated seeing Zekk leave. She wished he would stop leaving and simply stay with her.  
  
  
'Cause I am barely breathing  
And I can't find the air  
I don't know who I'm kidding  
Imagining you care  
And I could stand here waiting  
A fool for another day  
But I don't suppose it's worth the price  
Worth the price  
That price that I would pay  
But I'm thinking it over anyway  
  
  
Jaina stood up and wiped away her tears.  
She looked up into the sky and saw a shooting star.  
With a slight smile beginning to play across her lips, Jaina silently made a wish that he would come back to her.  
She didn't care how much it might hurt, how big a fool she might be for still hoping he would come back to her.  
She would always be waiting for him.  
Smiling, she walked back inside.   
  
  
  
A/N: This story is dedicated to everyone who reviewed my first fic, Reaction, especially Laughing girl86, who was the first person to email me, and Navi Star, my first reviewer ever!! I love you guys!! You don't know how happy your reviews and emails make me!!  
  



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